Had a very long talk with a close friend yesterday after work. They said some things that were hard to hear, but it was very good. And they helped, even if I can’t quite see my way clear yet to have an easy go of it.
Change is so difficult, for all of us. And I’ve reached a point where I’m truly at a fork in the road. I can stay as I am (and be miserable, or at least less happy than what I’m fairly sure a different choice would make me), or I can brave the scary unknown, make a leap of trust and change. And be so much happier with that change.
Really simple, right? Why would I want to stay unhappy when I know the changes I need to make to alter that state of affairs? When there’s a path laid out for me with red carpet and neon signs flashing, saying “DO THIS AND YOUR LIFE WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER”??? Fear. Of making the wrong choice, of failing at whatever choice I do make, of . . . well, so many things.
And the sheer number of very small changes the one big change would entail. Serious, very serious effort on my part, for years and years and years. To establish basic, simple things so many people take for granted. For those of you who find organization and daily structure second-nature, I applaud you. I do not. And I’ve tried routines (the longest I’ve managed is one week). I’ve tried charts and systems and index cards and so many things. And then I wonder, if I have such trouble staying organized right now, if I can’t manage that now, why on earth do I think I might be able to do these great big things later on? I can’t even manage this one little thing.
Rambling . . .